Pens are Outdated
by naiYin
Summary: Mikado Ryuugamine is a mellow individual. He doesn't like violence, but when a mishap meeting with Saika results in an insult to his pen, Mikado proves to Saika just how 'the pen is mightier than the sword'. !crackfic


**Author's Note: I've been following the KHR fandom around, and I've never mustered enough courage to post anything (even though I want to beta pretty badly). Then I found the drrr!kink meme, where it's totally anonymous. I finally wrote something and so here I post it.  
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**Prompt: _"IS THE PEN MIGHTER THEN THE SWORD? Mikado vs. Saika. Roll with it. "_ Link found here- http: / drrrkink. livejournal. com/ 4328. html? thread=14231016  
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**Rating: T for some violence/light themes  
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**Warnings: Small novel spoiler, light themes, violence  
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**Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn! belongs to Amano Akira.**

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><p>When Anri opened her eyes, Mikado had her pinned on the ground in a rather <em>compromising<em> position.

With a ballpoint pen to her throat.

Yes, the same thin Uni-ball he would stab a certain Aoba with much later.

Anri doesn't even know what to make of it…

**_~earlier~_**

"Ne, ne, Mika-chi, why won't you let me love you?" Saika was hanging off Ryuugamine Mikado's shoulder, as she asked him for the tenth time.

Mikado was somewhat perturbed by Anri's sudden change in personality after school that day, but as he was simply too shy to say anything about it. "Because you've never asked, Sonohara-san," he sputtered while blushing at the prospect.

Suddenly she stiffened. She had a revelation. "I am Saika."

Mikado blinked and decided to just go with it. "Umm…." He suddenly realized that Saika was the same as the screen name on the chat Kanra-san was admin for.

The very same that had spammed the chat with 'love', then 'mother', then 'slash' and finally with a copious amount of 'kill' as the amount of slasher incident increased by the day. Unfortunately, the filaments of his mind, or more apty, the nib of his pen, were a bit rusty at this point and he failed to make the connection.

"Ano…Saika-san? Why are you pointing a katana at me? Did I do something wrong?" Mikado began backing away sheepishly. "Ahaha…ha."

Anri's eyes began glowing an ominous red. "And Saika doesn't need to ask Mikado to love him. Saika just has to make him."

Mikado stared at her for several seconds as she began to approach him slowly, swaying from side to side, wielding a glittering blade in her right hand. Then he turned tail and ran. 'Why is this so strangely reminiscent of a scenario in an abridged series I watched on YouTube, where a man likes to give out hugs with sharp deadly phallic objects?' Mikado screamed inside his head while running for his life from his crazed 'sort-of' girlfriend.

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><p>Orihara Izaya glanced up from the papers in his hand to observe the scene outside his Ikebukuro office window for a moment, just as a respite from the monotonous agony of office work. What he saw was far more interesting than he would have expected. A pleasant surprise.<p>

He saw the leader of Dollars haphazardly charging down the busy street. Strange that he was in the area.

That's when he spotted the ax(sword)-crazy girl following right behind him. And like any good manipulative bastard you can find on the streets nowadays, he called.

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><p>Mikado ran wherever the mass of people seemed to be the thinnest, desperately reaching into his pockets for anything he could use to save himself from the dire situation he landed himself in.<p>

Thereupon he found two things. 1) A vibrating cellphone, cheerfully informing him he had an incoming call from Orihara Izaya-san. Since when was Orihara in his contacts? 2) His trusty ball-point pen.

A pen. How wonderfully useful. Fits into just about everything moderately sized or bigger, including pen caps, pen holders, mouths, eyes and other bodily cavities. Or just a body in general, providing you tried hard enough. Obviously this hasn't occurred to him just yet.

Mikado did, however, quickly accept the call. _Hello~! Is this Mikado-kun I'm speaking to?_

_*pant* Yes! *pant* What is it?_

_I thought you may want to know that Slasher-san is chasing you._

_Of course I do! *pant*_ Mikado whipped around quickly, noticing that Saika wasn't falling behind but wasn't gaining either. Coming up was a t-intersection and Mikado momentarily considered which way to go before the voice from the phone suddenly came back.

_You might want to turn left~._ Mikado was too flustered to do anything else, so left it was. And so it went. Left, left, left, right, jump over the fence, right, dead end.

Wait, what? _Good luck~!_ Izaya chortled.

Perhaps bastard was giving him too much credit. More like irretrievably condemned demon.

Either way Mikado was screwed. He stared up the brick walls and wiring with a sense of dread. As it was a random back alley, it was inherently colder and darker, making it just that much more dreadful when he heard the small resounding footsteps closing in.

Saika rounded the final corner and slowed down once she caught sight of Mikado.

He feebly attempted to hold his pen in a defensive stance, eyeing Saika as steadily as he could, rapidly running through all his options. Saika put on her best slasher smile and tossed her katana into her other hand.

"Mika-chi, a pen is utterly useless at this point. What could you possibly hope to accomplish with that, when I'm offering you all the love this blade contains?" She brandished her sword lovingly. Point taken. The truth could be harsh, but Mikado as we know him, was going to die there.

Except: "Don't insult the pen! Call me useless, or cowardly all you want, but never. Ever. Say **anything** bad about the pen," he cried shamelessly.

It was strange enough to give even Saika a pause in her onslaught.

"Like Edward Bulwer-Lytton said, 'The pen is mightier than the sword!'" Mikado sniffed. "I loved that play." Mikado was obviously far too awesome to take a statement such as that metaphorically.

Instead, he defied even the information broker's expectations and charged the cursed sword Saika with naught but a single ballpoint pen. "FEEL THE WRATH OF MY UNI-BALL!"

Saika fainted at the implication before Mikado could even swing. Mikado tripped over a rock, sprawling himself over was-Saika. Things were awkward between him and Anri for quite awhile after that.

Worse off was, at the end of the day, the last one laughing was of course, none other than Orihara Izaya as he posted his recording of Mikado's last statement onto NicoNicoDouga, where it garnered 100k+ views within a matter of hours. Rebecca Black would be ashamed.

Izaya's final comment was, "The pen may be mightier than the sword, but only the internet can troll the pen."


End file.
